My hand against my chest felt how my heart beat fast. I was singing the national anthem but my eyes focused on him near the flag. My knees became like a jelly that I couldn’t stand straight. It was an exciting moment… the two of us with the invisible crowd.
That morning was the beginning of our story that has never started.
It’s been almost two months since I left my first teaching job. I must admit there were times when I asked myself if leaving was a good choice. For some, this may be a bad decision. Who’s in the right mind to leave a good paying job? Maybe I am crazy. I am crazy enough to throw everything away.
Even though I still don’t have a work now, I feel free from the feeling of emptiness that took away the hope I had. In this period of my life, I have come to realize the importance of everything that surrounds me. My friends are constantly telling me that I will get through this. They even suggested things that I might do for a while.
As what I have said in my previous blog, I still want to pursue teaching. In fact I am waiting for the update on my teaching application in Japan. There is no assurance that I will land a job in Japan but I want to stay positive about it. Maybe if I get to teach motivated and appreciative students this time, I will have more confidence and initiative to become better. If I get the teaching position in Japan, I will not only have a job but will also fulfill my dream of living abroad. If I don’t, maybe it is what God has planned for me.
Maybe leaving my previous job is not the best decision I’ve made so far but I am quite sure that it is something that I won’t regret doing. We should never deprive ourselves the happiness that we think we deserve. It is not so bad to choose happiness for once.
The past few weeks for me have been tough. I am always occupied with random thoughts and I cannot even focus on what’s ahead of me. I hate my job, I doubt myself a lot, and the list will be endless. I have this strong desire to escape from my life and start a new one. There are times when I find myself crying and hoping for a new environment. Sometimes I wish that I am a different person.
It is difficult growing up without knowing what you want in life. It is not true that we can be anyone we want to be, but it is true that we can be anyone we pursue to be. In my case, I pursue teaching and I became a teacher. But do I really want it? Yes, I might say that I hate my job, but I don’t entirely hate everything about it. Whenever I try to look back, there were times when I was in cloud nine. There were times when I felt happy with my job. But are those reasons enough for me to stay? No. More than anything else, I think I deserve better. When it comes to compensation I could not complain anymore, because I am well-paid. It is just that sometimes money won’t make you stay. The whole system suffocates me and now is the time to breathe.
Being lost on track for the past few weeks made me realize that I don’t hate teaching at all. Maybe I abhor the education system that we have. I won’t give up on teaching, but this is not the place where I can be at my best. So I must leave.
I seriously want to escape from my life right now. I am so lost and my life has been going nowhere these past few days. I don’t know when I started to lose my confidence. Was it in my high school days? College days?
Eventhough I already have a degree, I still find myself being devoured by the crowd. My heart is in my mouth that I could hardly breathe. There were times when I tell myself that it was okay and I can do it, but I ended up regretting how I performed. It is so frustrating.
Now that I am thinking about it, this lack of confidence has pulled me down that it is hard for me to get up.
1. Students’ feedback affects me more that it should.
Yes, it may be a good thing because it only shows that I care but it becomes a negative thing to me. I tend to be more conscious to the point that I am not happy with the effort that I exert.
2. I feel unappreciated.
Teaching is never an easy job. Your job does not stop after you leave the school. You sometimes take home some papers even though it’s a holiday. What pains me a lot is to see my students not doing their part at all.
3. I always think about quitting.
It’s funny how I always search “other jobs for teachers” on the internet. It’s difficult to wake up in the morning thinking if you’re gonna make it throughout the day.
4. I hate it but I keep doing it.
I care so much for my students that although I feel stuck in this job, I still try my best to be a good teacher to them. Of course I won’t neglect my work just because I hate it!
5. I want to quit but I don’t know what to do after.
I know that my passion includes make up and writing but I doubt if I could make a profit if I pursue them.
“We are next in line” is a not a lyric from a song to us anymore. As the graduation gets nearer, it becomes a reality and a challenge that we must face. This “real world” thing might frighten us and strike us with uncertainties, but at the end of the day, there is only one question left; what is life after college?
The fact that we never get to control things gives us these hesitations about the future. The moment we step on the real world, everyone hopes that we deliver the goods. We are supposed to make a great impact in the field we chose. We are expected to survive. For the countless expectations that might be thrown to us, we need to anticipate that things will not be easy for us. Just like what Paulo Coelho writes in one of his novels; “When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready yet.” Trials are always there. We might lose hopes for not finding a good school that hires a new teacher. We might encounter rejections for still-not-a-LET-passer reason. We might heard clichés like “we’ll just call you” after a heart pounding interview. We might face people who will undermine us because they think that they are far better than us. We might be uncertain on the extent of what we can do. We might have students who will challenge our patience and competence.After a long and tiring day,we might feel that our hard work is not being paid off. Everything may come along the way to weaken or to strengthen us. We are in a place whereas the only people that survive are the fittest.
Despite of all the numerous things that can bring fears and doubts to us, there is still the feeling of excitement and readiness that hide deep within us. We just need to let the positive vibes flow in us. We must be the I-can-do-anything kind of person in a you-are-not-going-to-make-it world. In case of a hard time finding our ways to get out of the negative feelings, we need to think of every reason why we are chasing this path. We can never hold the future and design our lives like a building. All that we can do is to explore all avenues and do not be afraid of trying things out. All success starts with failure and the only sure thing is that we are going to make mistakes. If this happens we need to get back to the drawing board. Life after college is a make or break. Everyone should take every effort to contribute positive changes in our field. Fears, doubts, and all the negative feelings are just manifestations that we care about our future. If we overcome those feelings, there is no way for us not to succeed. All that matter is we know our strength and we are ready for the worse things that will test us. It is certain that we are the people that are next in line and everything beyond that line is UNEXPECTED.
I always say that being twenty should be a start for a change. Like doing things that I never did before. (Well, good things at least) So when the semestral break came, I joined my high school friends’ escapade. We headed south, Batangas.
For a person who only does reading and watching at home, mountain hiking is really a challenging activity. Yes, we hiked on Mt. Talamitan in Nasugbu, Batangas! I never imagined myself in that situation.
For those who barely know me, they would bet that I am not gonna do this. As in NEVER. But I did! It took us almost three hours before we got on top of the mountain. We actually spent that three hours for walking, talking, and joking under the scorching sun. Our tour guide said that we could have been on top within two hours if we did not stop to rest. Well, we really needed to rest that time. We regret to carry our heavy bags with us. We had a choice to leave it in our tour guide’s house but we didn’t. We never expected that hiking would be that hard. Also, we had a water shortage. Again, we never expected that hiking would be that tiring. As we walked and walked and walked, it really became harder. To the point that I told myself that I will never do it again. It felt like endless. I thought it was really endless until I got to the top.
God! We did it!
I am so tired!!!” my friends kept on saying.
And we’ll all laugh.
We waited for the sunset and it was indeed beautiful. It was really different to look at it when you were on a high place. It felt good to be closer with nature. Far from the city and pollution. Just you and the nature.
We stayed there overnight and built our tent. It was cold that night and the wind blew really hard. Luckily, we brought jackets and blankets to keep us warm. When we went down the next day, we looked at the mountain behind us.
It may not look high but it is! And it was very challenging to hike! An activity that was new to me. I must admit that my free time was always spent in watching movies, reading books, and going to the mall. Mountain hiking was something different that I enjoyed doing. I was so happy that I did this thing now. While I am still young. I realized that sometimes, we need to explore new things. Explore beyond what we always do. Seek for some adventures while we are young. Someday, we may regret not doing things when we still can.
Explore Philippines! Let us jump for that! 🙂
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