It’s been almost two months since I left my first teaching job. I must admit there were times when I asked myself if leaving was a good choice. For some, this may be a bad decision. Who’s in the right mind to leave a good paying job? Maybe I am crazy. I am crazy enough to throw everything away.
Even though I still don’t have a work now, I feel free from the feeling of emptiness that took away the hope I had. In this period of my life, I have come to realize the importance of everything that surrounds me. My friends are constantly telling me that I will get through this. They even suggested things that I might do for a while.
As what I have said in my previous blog, I still want to pursue teaching. In fact I am waiting for the update on my teaching application in Japan. There is no assurance that I will land a job in Japan but I want to stay positive about it. Maybe if I get to teach motivated and appreciative students this time, I will have more confidence and initiative to become better. If I get the teaching position in Japan, I will not only have a job but will also fulfill my dream of living abroad. If I don’t, maybe it is what God has planned for me.
Maybe leaving my previous job is not the best decision I’ve made so far but I am quite sure that it is something that I won’t regret doing. We should never deprive ourselves the happiness that we think we deserve. It is not so bad to choose happiness for once.
The past few weeks for me have been tough. I am always occupied with random thoughts and I cannot even focus on what’s ahead of me. I hate my job, I doubt myself a lot, and the list will be endless. I have this strong desire to escape from my life and start a new one. There are times when I find myself crying and hoping for a new environment. Sometimes I wish that I am a different person.
It is difficult growing up without knowing what you want in life. It is not true that we can be anyone we want to be, but it is true that we can be anyone we pursue to be. In my case, I pursue teaching and I became a teacher. But do I really want it? Yes, I might say that I hate my job, but I don’t entirely hate everything about it. Whenever I try to look back, there were times when I was in cloud nine. There were times when I felt happy with my job. But are those reasons enough for me to stay? No. More than anything else, I think I deserve better. When it comes to compensation I could not complain anymore, because I am well-paid. It is just that sometimes money won’t make you stay. The whole system suffocates me and now is the time to breathe.
Being lost on track for the past few weeks made me realize that I don’t hate teaching at all. Maybe I abhor the education system that we have. I won’t give up on teaching, but this is not the place where I can be at my best. So I must leave.
1. Students’ feedback affects me more that it should.
Yes, it may be a good thing because it only shows that I care but it becomes a negative thing to me. I tend to be more conscious to the point that I am not happy with the effort that I exert.
2. I feel unappreciated.
Teaching is never an easy job. Your job does not stop after you leave the school. You sometimes take home some papers even though it’s a holiday. What pains me a lot is to see my students not doing their part at all.
3. I always think about quitting.
It’s funny how I always search “other jobs for teachers” on the internet. It’s difficult to wake up in the morning thinking if you’re gonna make it throughout the day.
4. I hate it but I keep doing it.
I care so much for my students that although I feel stuck in this job, I still try my best to be a good teacher to them. Of course I won’t neglect my work just because I hate it!
5. I want to quit but I don’t know what to do after.
I know that my passion includes make up and writing but I doubt if I could make a profit if I pursue them.
Lately, I have been thinking of changing my career. It is really hard to do something you are not passionate about. Although I am teaching only for about four months, I felt like I should not be here anymore.
There were few times when I felt like I was finally embracing teaching as my profession. Whenever my students do something great, I feel so delighted that I could not ask for more. The problem occurs when they do not do their part. This is when my passion starts to fade. It easily fades. Maybe it happens because it was not my first love. Instead of being challenged to motivate my students, what I felt was hopelessness. I thought I will be stuck in this situation for the rest of the year, but it is gradually changing.
I find it magical how a simple gesture gives us inspiration to do something. A gesture that will make us realize how other people value us. It happened when one of my students invited me to eat with them. I declined because I still had a class to attend. She then asked me what I want to have (food) and I jokingly answered her, “Katahimikan (silence)”. The reason why I answered that was because their class is the nosiest one that I am currently handling. She laughed and said, “Weh? Ano nga po, Ma’am? (What is it really, Ma’am?)”. I left her smiling and went to my next class.
After my last class, I was in the faculty room when she knocked and shyly handed me what I “want”. It was a chip that has a label on top that says “Katahimikan (silence)”. I never thought that she would do such clever thing. I thanked her and a smile flashed on my face. It definitely melted my heart.
That simple act made me feel that there is a student that is willing to do something just to see me smiling and just to show how she appreciates me. It was indeed a magical moment to me. How it suddenly fueled my passion to teach wholeheartedly again. I just wish that this feeling will not last for just a couple of weeks. I hope I get to be inspired every single day.