It’s been almost two months since I left my first teaching job. I must admit there were times when I asked myself if leaving was a good choice. For some, this may be a bad decision. Who’s in the right mind to leave a good paying job? Maybe I am crazy. I am crazy enough to throw everything away.
Even though I still don’t have a work now, I feel free from the feeling of emptiness that took away the hope I had. In this period of my life, I have come to realize the importance of everything that surrounds me. My friends are constantly telling me that I will get through this. They even suggested things that I might do for a while.
As what I have said in my previous blog, I still want to pursue teaching. In fact I am waiting for the update on my teaching application in Japan. There is no assurance that I will land a job in Japan but I want to stay positive about it. Maybe if I get to teach motivated and appreciative students this time, I will have more confidence and initiative to become better. If I get the teaching position in Japan, I will not only have a job but will also fulfill my dream of living abroad. If I don’t, maybe it is what God has planned for me.
Maybe leaving my previous job is not the best decision I’ve made so far but I am quite sure that it is something that I won’t regret doing. We should never deprive ourselves the happiness that we think we deserve. It is not so bad to choose happiness for once.
The past few weeks for me have been tough. I am always occupied with random thoughts and I cannot even focus on what’s ahead of me. I hate my job, I doubt myself a lot, and the list will be endless. I have this strong desire to escape from my life and start a new one. There are times when I find myself crying and hoping for a new environment. Sometimes I wish that I am a different person.
It is difficult growing up without knowing what you want in life. It is not true that we can be anyone we want to be, but it is true that we can be anyone we pursue to be. In my case, I pursue teaching and I became a teacher. But do I really want it? Yes, I might say that I hate my job, but I don’t entirely hate everything about it. Whenever I try to look back, there were times when I was in cloud nine. There were times when I felt happy with my job. But are those reasons enough for me to stay? No. More than anything else, I think I deserve better. When it comes to compensation I could not complain anymore, because I am well-paid. It is just that sometimes money won’t make you stay. The whole system suffocates me and now is the time to breathe.
Being lost on track for the past few weeks made me realize that I don’t hate teaching at all. Maybe I abhor the education system that we have. I won’t give up on teaching, but this is not the place where I can be at my best. So I must leave.
My vision is blur,
His name is on air;
I try to catch the letters,
They slip away.
There are so many things going on in my head. The future scares me so much that I start to doubt myself. When I reached twenty this year, I felt like all the things and decisions that I will make will be my responsible alone. This “real world” thing frightens me a lot. The future strikes me with uncertainties.
Now that I am in my last semester in college, the pressure to become successful becomes higher. Sometimes, I feel like my time is very limited to do all the things that I want. I want to travel, to buy things I want, to be successful in my career, to experience new things, to do stupid random things without thinking what others might say. Honestly, I am just starting to see how amazing my life should be. It seems like I was in a cage for so many years and spending my whole life studying. Not that I was “oppressed” before, but it feels like I was so naive and close-minded before I went to college. Now, a part of me says that I need to enjoy my life before I commit myself to someone, although this someone is still nowhere to be found. I want to be a better version of myself. I remember when a friend of mine said that it is not possible to have a great career and be in an intimate relationship at the same time. He argued that while I am busy enjoying my life and establishing my career, I can not find a man who will keep up with me. It gives uncertainties to me because as much as possible, I don’t want to sacrifice that aspect of my life for a great career. I never had a boyfriend before so it was hard for me to argue with him. The only thing that I am sure right now is that few years from now, I will be the one to tell him:
What do you think?