It was unplanned,
It was unintentional,
We were friends,
But you took one step closer.
I got confused,
The wall was shaken,
We were friends,
And so I took one step away.
It was a foolish game,
That only you and I can play,
It was a long played game,
But nobody wins.
It’s been almost two months since I left my first teaching job. I must admit there were times when I asked myself if leaving was a good choice. For some, this may be a bad decision. Who’s in the right mind to leave a good paying job? Maybe I am crazy. I am crazy enough to throw everything away.
Even though I still don’t have a work now, I feel free from the feeling of emptiness that took away the hope I had. In this period of my life, I have come to realize the importance of everything that surrounds me. My friends are constantly telling me that I will get through this. They even suggested things that I might do for a while.
As what I have said in my previous blog, I still want to pursue teaching. In fact I am waiting for the update on my teaching application in Japan. There is no assurance that I will land a job in Japan but I want to stay positive about it. Maybe if I get to teach motivated and appreciative students this time, I will have more confidence and initiative to become better. If I get the teaching position in Japan, I will not only have a job but will also fulfill my dream of living abroad. If I don’t, maybe it is what God has planned for me.
Maybe leaving my previous job is not the best decision I’ve made so far but I am quite sure that it is something that I won’t regret doing. We should never deprive ourselves the happiness that we think we deserve. It is not so bad to choose happiness for once.
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The past few weeks for me have been tough. I am always occupied with random thoughts and I cannot even focus on what’s ahead of me. I hate my job, I doubt myself a lot, and the list will be endless. I have this strong desire to escape from my life and start a new one. There are times when I find myself crying and hoping for a new environment. Sometimes I wish that I am a different person.
It is difficult growing up without knowing what you want in life. It is not true that we can be anyone we want to be, but it is true that we can be anyone we pursue to be. In my case, I pursue teaching and I became a teacher. But do I really want it? Yes, I might say that I hate my job, but I don’t entirely hate everything about it. Whenever I try to look back, there were times when I was in cloud nine. There were times when I felt happy with my job. But are those reasons enough for me to stay? No. More than anything else, I think I deserve better. When it comes to compensation I could not complain anymore, because I am well-paid. It is just that sometimes money won’t make you stay. The whole system suffocates me and now is the time to breathe.
Being lost on track for the past few weeks made me realize that I don’t hate teaching at all. Maybe I abhor the education system that we have. I won’t give up on teaching, but this is not the place where I can be at my best. So I must leave.
I seriously want to escape from my life right now. I am so lost and my life has been going nowhere these past few days. I don’t know when I started to lose my confidence. Was it in my high school days? College days?
Eventhough I already have a degree, I still find myself being devoured by the crowd. My heart is in my mouth that I could hardly breathe. There were times when I tell myself that it was okay and I can do it, but I ended up regretting how I performed. It is so frustrating.
Now that I am thinking about it, this lack of confidence has pulled me down that it is hard for me to get up.
1. Students’ feedback affects me more that it should.
Yes, it may be a good thing because it only shows that I care but it becomes a negative thing to me. I tend to be more conscious to the point that I am not happy with the effort that I exert.
2. I feel unappreciated.
Teaching is never an easy job. Your job does not stop after you leave the school. You sometimes take home some papers even though it’s a holiday. What pains me a lot is to see my students not doing their part at all.
3. I always think about quitting.
It’s funny how I always search “other jobs for teachers” on the internet. It’s difficult to wake up in the morning thinking if you’re gonna make it throughout the day.
4. I hate it but I keep doing it.
I care so much for my students that although I feel stuck in this job, I still try my best to be a good teacher to them. Of course I won’t neglect my work just because I hate it!
5. I want to quit but I don’t know what to do after.
I know that my passion includes make up and writing but I doubt if I could make a profit if I pursue them.
My vision is blur,
His name is on air;
I try to catch the letters,
They slip away.